Om Ganeshaya Namah. It is the old Indian tradition to start any work in the name of Lord Ganesha. We are also having this prerogative rightfully and we are using it with all the humility at our command with no ill will toward anybody.

1. If one analyses the various implements used by this Lord, the most amazing is the vehicle or carrier used by this Lord, fast enough to circumvent the entire universe in a wink of eye. It is beyond anybody comprehension, why some groups of people want to kill them. It is often quoted that one who kills this vehicle, he along with his seven future generations shall be carrying the tons of sins and they shall never get liberation. My few friends who got educated from  Hindi speaking schools know  that one who kills this Lord vehicle, will have to atone their sins by donating a Lord vehicle made of  pure 24 carat gold.

2. By now sufficient mystery has been created who is this vehicle. Let us unfold this mystery. This vehicle is portly and very healthy rat only. It is often said that everybody should gnaw the knowledge like rats which can make holes in any material regardless of its hardness value. Now a days we have been educated in English medium schools and we think it below our dignity to call rat, a rat and instead we call it ‘Rodent or rodents’. As soon we call rat as rodents, a peculiar type of feelings run into our spine and we immediately feel ourselves, the direct descendents of Queen Elizabeth.

3. Essentially there are two types of rodents; A. House hold type and, B. Travellver type;

A. Household type: These type of rodents are generally very friendly and homely type. If these types are visible, a homely feeling comes and we immediately establish our blood relation with them. The converse is also true i.e if these rodents are not visible, a home is not considered a home. They reside in homes, go-downs, shops, Goods sheds and malls. The mall type looks very aristocratic  and  like to take rest in the comforts of air conditioners but feed on the foods available for a common man.

B. Traveler type: These rodents are of three castes, follow the strict caste boundaries. Inter caste marriages are big no no and is strictly prohibited. Group (a) rats always travel by air and sometimes create so much scare in passengers that some air crafts had to be landed shortly after take off, once passenger realize that one of them  belongs to some other type negating all laws of Physics that 1-2 kg of that type will not create overloading. Group (b) rats travel by trains in all the classes that too without ticket with no guilt conscious, bravely and run all along trains  with full democratic rights in a fashion as if the whole train is their family property. We shall deliberate more on these types in greater details later on. Group (c) rats travel by Buses, Trucks, cars, thinking that road travel is more comfortable and provide door to door service. Group consciousness runs so deep in their blood that even cross group glance may prove to be dangerous for their honour and lives. Cross breeding is despised and love angle across group is crushed with iron hand. All the Casonova  rats sing the famous  filmy song; ‘Ai Mohabbat Jindaabad.’

4. Prior to introduction of AC coaches , all coaches were having open windows, big gaps in walls, doors and toilets that rats were having full freedom to enter or escape from any part of coach. The rats used to come out in open to get some fresh air, have some quick stroll and enter again into coaches with renewed vigour and vitality.

5. Some rats are more intelligent and are equipped with state of the art stop sensors. As soon as the train stop at station, they jump to the platforms safely, took the fresh air, taste the PF food in a most professional manner and enter the train again for onward journey. The jumping and entraining style is so acrobatic that any gap between train and PF coping becomes immaterial  putting Engineers to shame and now it is rumoured that the gap between train and PF coping carry no meanings much the comforts of Engineers.

6.  Based on the jumping behavior there are two types of rats;

A.     Professional type

B.   Amateur type

 Professional Type:

These rats are highly professional, trained, and their each act depicts their professionalism. They jump on the Platforms, go to the food stalls and food trolleys, taste the freshly cooked food, drink the carbonated and chlorinated water, do some after food strolling, climb to the PF masts, taste the over COP thrown food, come back again to the PF and jump in the AC coaches for a after food nap in a most comfortable style.

Amateur Type:

These type of rats normally jump on the PF and then enter into the burrow holes on the PF, mixing and playing with their mates and friends and then come back to the coaches only to be fired by their seniors for coming back with empty stomach and asking for foods. Being a rat and asking for food is a heinous crime, when there are authorized and unauthorized food trolleys available in abundance cooking the food with spurious articles, in raw fat, using spurious masalas & sometimes with flies and mosquitoes inside.

7.  Falling on the track from the coaches is considered a most serious professional failure but having fallen down, now it becomes a prestige issue for rat community to show their valour and bravery. They cross the track in a artistic style, supported by facts that nobody heard or even seen a RRO(Rat Run over) in comparison to CRO(Cattle Run over) or HRO(Human Run over).They run in the longitudinal direction along the track between coping and wheels as if they are competing with the train in 500 Km sprint, still smiling and fresh, to put any athlete to shame.

8.  After introduction of AC coaches, now the problem of rats (Rodents in Railway parlance) have increased manifold and their freedom to entrain/detrain has been marred in a most restrictive manner. But soon the AIRA (All India Rat Association) realized that these AC coaches should be treated as blessing in disguise and  soon a message was spread through the most advanced  communication networks that all Rats and their families should treat these Air Conditioned Coaches as a Gift from God but with a condition that, all children from 1st, 2nd, 3rd,………nth wives shall be treated equally. All rats happily agreed on this proposal and decided to attack the AC coaches with vengeance.

9. Initially Rats decided to test the water and bravery of passengers by moving freely in night only. For their convenience, they categorised the AC passengers in following categories;

(a)   Deep sleep

These type of passengers take deep sleep and are not disturbed even if Rats scroll on their (Passengers)  bodies.

(b)  Snoring Type

These types of passengers produce various type of snore sound with different frequency and wavelength pattern in various kinds of volume. Sometimes they produce a lovely musical sound resembling a flute and piano, wind chimes etc. These passengers do not mind the rats making acrobatics on their tummies but other peace loving passengers get disturbed and keep themselves awake, making them irritable. As soon as these sleep starved passengers see the rodents, they blame these rats responsible for their discomforts and start abusing Railways which certainly indicates bad manners.

(c)  Gossiping Types

     These types of passengers keep themselves busy gossiping throughout day and night and think that leg pulling or using four letter words about others is their obligatory duty and is essential for Nation building and prosperity. They are so busy otherwise that they neglect the sight of a Rat and even if they see a Rat, they immediately switch the discussion to the Nation future and falling value system.

 (d)  Reformer Types

These are the most serious types of passengers. They discuss the history generally European & American, Principles of Economics, Decreasing value system in our polity and society, read brown colored Economic Times or Financial Express. They also discuss the various problems of India and social issues so seriously that as if all the problems of India shall be solved by the time they reach to their destination. As  soon as they sight a Rat, they immediately relate with them (Rats) with past, present and future of India. Had these Rats not traveled in Trains, India would have been nothing less than Dallas or Las Vegas. These types of passengers are most vociferous critics of Railways and more often they target the poor Coach attendant and TTE for the misconduct of Rats.

(e)    Religious Types

These types of passengers, develop religious feeling upon sighting a Rodent, fold their hands against for heads and most respectfully bow their heads. Some passengers stand up in great reverence, bend their backs at waist level by various degrees like most professional bureaucrats and chant mantras for well being of their families. Some pray for their promotion & Outstanding CR’s.

10.  On testing the bravery and alertness of passengers in night, the Rodents stroll all along the coaches by showing thumbs to passengers sometimes on their berths, sometimes tasting the homemade healthy and warm food, soon recover their lost health and transform themselves into handsome males and gorgeous females.

11. If the passengers tolerate them in the night, the rats now dare to move with full freedom in the days also. By now the passengers have had developed the IQ sufficiently and neglect the Ratty movements. Recently, the rats behaved brazenly and tested the sensibilities of passengers and after ensuring that passengers converted their IQ into SQ (Spirituality Quotient), moved even on their full body as if Rats are CAT scanning  the passengers. There seems to be some sort of ancestral bonds between passengers and Rats or rodents. Some of the passengers booked their tickets to get the precious company of Rats hoping that their SQ will be developed further which is essential for their spiritual growth on the path of liberation from this mortal world.

12. Recently a report was published in a leading international best seller magazine about the enhanced SQ with a liberated soul who saw the God in every creature; man,animal,plants and of course Rat included; 

“ In a AC Ist class compartment ( Four berther) a spiritually elevated soul family was travelling consisting of Husband, wife and two children. They decorated the silver tray with vermillion, flowers,rice incense sticks and laddus. They closed the eyes for about 15 minutes and then they chanted the few mantras; again closed their eyes and prayed something to happen. In a most bizarre incident, from nowhere, a Rodent appeared who looked quite healthy and cheerful, sat on the silver tray and started eating laddus. These four family members shook their heads in deep trance and as the activity of rat increased, they shook their heads more vigorously. All the laddus were finished and the Rat was sitting quietly looking towards family members with complete peace as if he was waiting for something. All the members opened their eyes slowly and greeted the Rat. The Rat moved his moustache in a most mysterious manner as if he blessing this family and appeared very much pleased. After exchange of greetings, this Rat dissolved into thin air and disappeared in the various crevices of wall panels, Carpet and seat cover.”  This report generated lot of heat in the International bodies and arguments at various forums. Soon they realised the importance of RAT in Indian society and accepted the RAT’s exalted position.

13. By now National Railway had become wise and decided to get rid of Rat/Rodents in trains and devised new schemes(Although these were quite old.) draped in new robes of technical jargons and usage of English language. It was agreed unanimously that since National Railway is working only on the usage of English, it was considered prudent to further enrich the passengers as well as Rodents   with the usage/ knowledge of English language. The various methods developed were;

1.     Fumigation of coaches.

2.     Placing chemicals in coaches.

3.     Rat/Rodent pads.

4.     Rat traps- Two kinds;

·        Violent Type.

·        Non Violent Type.

14. On hearing the news of various methods, being tried on National Railways, AIRC(All India Rat Council-An apex body of AIRA-All India Rat Association) arranged the hurriedly called emergency meeting. To save their honour, they termed the National Railway as perpetrator on their ilk and caste. After all, to develop the proximity with human beings is their birthright and anybody hitting them on their rights and dignity was termed as offenders. They discussed the detailed agenda in a harmonious and peaceful manner. They also devised various strategies to counter the moves by few selected National Railway hands. Certainly this was hitting them below the belt. Following counter measure were suggested;

·        Use of 3 layered masks.

·        Dissemination of knowledge of various chemicals.

·        Dissemination of knowledge of various pads.

·        Identification of Rat traps.

·      Maintaining safe and adequate distance of not less than 1 m from chemicals, pads and                 traps.

·        Safety Consciousness

 In this meeting , few elderly and experienced Rats floated the idea meekly of developing safety Consciousness from the impending dangers to the entire Rat race. Meekly because elder Rats had lost their authority similar to the human society. The young Rats created so much noise that the voice of sanity drowned in the din of accusations and blame game. Slowly this din was on the wane and wisdom prevailed. At least the Rats are better than human beings in this context. It was also decided that safety seminars shall be arranged.

15. In the meantime mysterious developments took place in National Railway. In those coaches where these measures were adopted, it was decided to paste stickers in the form of notices on the coach entry gate for the use of Rats and rodents. It was clarified at the highest level, that a war shall be waged against rodents only. Since the fight with Rats was considered typical middle class and below the dignity of officers and staff of National Railways. The sticker notice was something like this;

“ Beware all Rats and Rodents. All Rats and Rodents are supposed to read this carefully. All Rats are not entitled for AC coach and warned not to enter this coach. OnlyVIP rodents are most welcome in this coach to take on free trial of our Rodent Control measures.”

16.  The result of this notice was electrifying and we could see only literary, sober and well mannered rodents in AC coaches. Soon their numbers swelled and Rat population increased due to the basic facts that all Rodents turned highly romantic and acclaimed productive. When no result was achieved of these measures, frantic meetings were held over tons of ‘Samosas’, tea & coffee and taken several months fruitfully and finally arrived  to a conclusion that nothing can be done and turned themselves into a highly spiritual state to a stage of DNA (Do Nothing Attitude). 

17.  The only solution left now is time tested and quite popular in our household. This method was discussed and deliberated upon in detail and final proposal is outlined below;

“ Every coach should have fully grown and young Cat who should move to various nook and corner of Coach frequently chasing away all redents.”

18. This news reached to Confedration of Cats who objected to this proposal and that too on naming pattern, that why a Cat is being called a Cat due to the fact that word Cat  resemble with Cat or Catty and shows sexual overtones but soon arguments erupted that if a Cat is not called a Cat, what name should be given. The confederation readily agreed that a Cat should be called a ‘Billi’.

19. This highly intellectual proposal is repeated again as under;

1.  A Billi  should accompany every coach who should move from one end to another end.

2.  For guidance of Billi, a handler to be designated as “Billi Assistant (BA)”should accompany the Billi   on each coach.

3. For taking care of health of Billi a medical attendant to be designated as “Billi Medical Attendant (BMA)” should travel with each coach.

4.  For taking the dietary needs every Billi should be accompanied by a dietitian.

5.  Because chances are that  super cop Billi may meet her heartthrob any time therefore a Billi needs lot of grooming and modern outfit suiting to present day high profile life style therefore every Billi should be accompanied by a Beautician.

6.  There should be a separate department to be designated as BilliDeptt to be manned by a dedicated cadre as Billi Cadre. The service hereinafter called as “National Railway Billi Services (NRBS)”.

7.  As already explained that there shall be a dedicated service consisting of Officers and Staff to take care of ‘Billis’ of National Railways.

8. Every Division should have 3-4 ABO (Assistant Billi Officer), 2 DBO (Divisional Billi Officer), 1 Sr DBO (Sr Div Billi Officer). This Sr DBO shall be assisted by a full fledged Veterinary Doctor, Sr Dietitian, Sr Beautician all in SS.

9.   All SS and ABO’s shall have full fledged support staff.

10. At Zonal headquarter level, there shall be a CBO (Chief Billi Officer) belonging to NRBS (National Railways Billy Services). A CBO shall be assisted by 5-6 RCBO( Regional Chief Billy Officer), a CVD (Chief Vat Doctor), a CNO (Chief Nutrition Officer and a Chief Beautician. There shall be dual control of this department i,e Administrative control with Division and Technical control with HQ. 

20. Though this news of creating this action plan was kept as a totally  secured guarded secret , but as always happens this secret leaked punctually and secretly. Secret paper is the most open one and closely guarded secret becomes public property at a electrifying speed  in a hush hush tones, every body   claims as the only recipient in this world of this secret. This news leaked to AIRC also. Now this was limit, National Railway not only divided the Rat community into haves and have-nots but also planned sinister moves to extinguish the Rat Race completely from this planet. Very soon, it was feared in Rat community that RATS shall be soon an extinct species and various NGO shall try hard to stop the slaughter of Rats and promote the Rat population by giving various incentives like bonus laddu each day. At an undisclosed location. a war room meeting of RATs was held. After lot of heated arguments and exchange of ideas following attack was planned and it was ensured that this news shall be kept as top class secret under the category of ‘See and Destroy’. 

“ Young Rats of extremist thoughts, shall be collected as a suicidal group, ready to die at any moment for the sake of their culture and civilization.  Crackers shall be tied on their backs, they shall enter the coaches and as soon as they reach to passengers they shall explode thus causing wide scale whimper . Their movements shall be watched by a Rat Central command Control center through a Radio based location system so that  they could find their locations by GPS systems.”

This was a dangerous move and certainly a part of Deep  Rooted Conspiracy.

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